


The Diary of J.B. Barnes

by Icarusdusoleil



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes-centric, Captain America: The First Avenger, Gen, Historical Fanfiction, POV Bucky Barnes, Pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, War, World War II, diary of bucky barnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2015-07-14
Packaged: 2018-02-09 05:18:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 27
Words: 4,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1970430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icarusdusoleil/pseuds/Icarusdusoleil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In 1940, Steve gives Bucky a red leather diary.</p><p>In 1941, America joins World War II and Bucky goes to Europe to fight.</p><p>In 1944, Bucky is declared killed in action.</p><p>In 2014, Steve reads Bucky's old red leather diary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> I recently got to read my Great Uncle's recounting of his time in World War II, which inspired me to try to write a diary from Bucky's point of view. I'm going to try to make this as historically accurate as I can and as accurate to the MCU cannon. I'd love feedback and corrections if I get any facts wrong!
> 
> Thank you very much for reading!

Steve held the book gingerly, like if he breathed too hard or if his grip was too tight, the yellowed pages would crumble into dust. Agent Maria Hill gave him a dusty folder and told him that he should take a look at what was inside. He wasn’t sure what he expected, but this sure as hell wasn’t it.

The cover was inconspicuous enough. It was faded red leather, worn and tattered, with the word “NOTES” just faintly visible in silver etching on the cover. Under that, “J. B. Barnes” was scrawled in familiar handwriting. The ink was nearly gone, but the pen was pressed hard enough that the name was still visibly scratched into the soft cover.

Steve recognized the book instantly. He remembered when it was brand new and he even recalled the distinct smell it had. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, but all he smelled was dust and age; definitely not the newly pressed leather or the sharpness of the fresh paper.

And definitely not Bucky.

He opened his eyes and carefully unwrapped the strap that kept the book tightly closed and opened it to the first page.

 

_For Bucky_

_Happy Birthday ya big jerk_

 

Steve swallowed hard and clenched his jaw as he turned the page.

_I forgot I had this. Steve gave it to me last year and I never used it. I guess I should start writing in it._

_Here’s my reminder to get Steve a new coat._

 

The next few pages were just reminders and notes. There were newspaper clippings, a couple addresses, and some tickets to a science fair or a museum. Sometimes there was a doodle here and there; they were crude and often kind of vulgar, but Steve smiled and recalled some of the silly drawings Bucky had left in his sketchbook.

Steve felt very strange flipping through the notebook. Bucky had used it all the time, but Steve never saw what he wrote. He felt a pang of guilt, like he was intruding on his best friend’s privacy… but mostly, Steve felt lonely. He missed Bucky.

Steve wiped away some tears pooling in his eyes and turned the page. His heart sank when he read the date.

_7 December 1941_


	2. 7 December 1941

7 December 1941

 

It was cold today. I’m pretty sure it nearly got to freezing cos the pipes were noisy this morning. My coat is getting thin, but I still have to get Steve a new one first. Before it snows at least. I let him have my scarf.

I went to meet him at his drawing class early cos I wanted to see his stuff, but I guess the professor upped the prices and kicked him out. What a creep. So of course dumbass Steve just stood outside for two hours. He’s probably gonna catch pneumonia again.

He seemed really down about it though, so I’m going to look for cheaper classes for him. I’d help him pay for this class this month, but my sister also needs help with groceries. And I don’t think that’ll leave me enough for rent in the end. Oh and Steve’s new coat.

Also, we passed by a news boy yelling “EXTRA EXTRA. READ ALL ABOUT THE JAPS BOMBING PEARL HARBOUR” I bought the paper—it was only a couple of cents and it sounded important. The headline sounded bad too:

_JAPAN WARS ON U.S. AND BRITAIN; MAKES SUDDEN ATTACK ON HAWAII; HEAVY FIGHTING AT SEA REPORTED_

Steve said he didn’t like the sound of that. I don’t either, what with Europe all up in arms right now. Looks like times are going to change soon.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as a note, a lot of the chapters will be fairly short. Also, starting this chapter, it's pretty much all going to be in Bucky POV.


	3. 8 December 1941

8 December 1941

 

U.S. declared war on Japan. I bought the paper again. Times are definitely a’changin.

Steve wants to enlist right off the bat… but I’m not so sure. We’re gonna go to Goldie’s Boxing Gym so he can learn how to throw a punch at least. But maybe I’ll talk some sense into him and he’ll see that there are plenty of other guys out there who can fight. There ain’t anything wrong with staying in America and working hard.

I mean, we signed up for the draft last year when the law came out… but what are the odds that we’d get called, right?

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> America passed the Burke-Wadsworth Act in September 1940, which required every white man between the ages of 21 and 36 to sign up for a draft during peacetime. 20 million white men signed up, but 50% were rejected for various health or illiteracy related reasons. Men of colour were initially not allowed to sign up because of racist guidelines, but later were allowed to sign up for combat.
> 
> http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/united-states-imposes-the-draft


	4. 13 December 1941

13 December 1941

 

Steve has been bugging me about enlisting for the past week. I finally went with him to the office. There were a lot of guys there and the line was out the door. I waited outside… dunno how many people asked me if I was going to join.

Steve came out real sour. Just kind of stomped out and didn’t talk to me or anybody. I had to chase him down the street before he told me what happened.

He got an IV-F: _Registrant not acceptable for military service due to physical, mental, or moral defect._

I wouldn’t ever tell him, but I’m kind of glad.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are the draft classifications that I was referencing. http://www.swarthmore.edu/library/peace/conscientiousobjection/MilitaryClassifications.htm


	5. 22 December 1941

22 December 1941

 

I stopped by Naval Air Cadet recruitment because I heard that they’d give $10,000 to soldiers for college education after they finished serving. I seriously considered it, but both Steve and I got some good jobs now.

I guess that’s one good thing about the war: there are finally enough jobs to go around. Pennies from heaven!

And I finally got Steve a new coat.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Pennies from heaven” is 1940s slang for easy money.


	6. 6 January 1942

6 January 1942

 

I’m starting to get nervous.

I guess I thought things would be over by now, but it looks like we’re all diving head first into this war. Guys are getting drafted left and right. But dames are getting jobs now, which I think is pretty great! Rebecca said she wants to get a job working in a factory—maybe I’ll help her see if there’s one nearby that she can work at.

Steve keeps talking about trying to enlist despite his IV-F. I keep telling him they’re gonna bust his chops if they find out, but he’s a knucklehead and won’t listen to me. I’ve been keeping up with the papers as much as I can. I know the news ain’t telling the whole story, but the stuff that’s happening out there is pretty bad.

I’m scared. I won’t ever _ever_ tell Steve or my sister, but I’m really scared. The draft age has already been changed from 21 to 20… I’m 24.

When will they call me?

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Dame” is 1940s slang for women.  
> “Bust his chops” is 1940s slang for scolding or chastising.  
> “Kucklehead” is 1940s slang for a foolish person.
> 
> Women started working in factories, working hard to produce items for the war effort such as ammunition, aeroplanes, and uniforms. They worked long hours and even had to move with factories. Even then, the hardest working women only earned about half of what a man would earn doing the same job. http://www.historylearningsite.co.uk/women_WW2.htm


	7. 19 January 1942

19 January 1942

 

I knew it was gonna happen. I just wish I had more time.

I was drafted.

I haven’t told Steve yet. I told Rebecca and she said “keep your eyes and ears open, your mouth shut and do what you’re told to do and you won’t have any trouble in the Army.” She sounds just like our dad did.

I’m supposed to go to Pine Camp in Jefferson County. Basic training starts on the 22nd and I’ll be there for six weeks.

I don’t feel ready at all.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I chose to send Bucky to Pine Camp (later renamed Fort Drum) because it was one of the camps that was majorly expanded after the outbreak of World War II. 75,000 acres of land were purchased and 525 families were displaced from their homes. 240 barracks, 84 mess halls, 86 storehouses, 58 warehouses, 27 officers’ quarters, 22 headquarter buildings, and 99 recreational buildings, guardhouses, and a hospital were all constructed to house and cater to the thousands of soldiers who would go through training there. General Patton’s 4th Armoured Division was one of the battalions that trained there. Pine Camp also served as a POW camp.
> 
> http://www.drum.army.mil/AboutFortDrum/Pages/History_lv2.aspx


	8. 20 January 1942

20 January 1942

 

I left Brooklyn today with some guys from my old job. They were also drafted and we’re all going to the same place, so we’re gonna travel together. We drove in Chris “Whiskers” Brown’s busted old truck and now were spending the night at his cousin’s place before we take the train to Pine Camp. His cousin is called “Bum” and he’s also going to the camp.

“Whiskers”, “Bum”, “Low Joe”, and “Fly”. They all have nicknames. I guess I fit in just fine with the name James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes.

Bum got us all a packet of cigarettes, but I don’t smoke so I gave mine to Fly.

I can’t sleep. Too many thoughts going through my head. The main one is I don’t wanna do this…

I hope Steve and Rebecca will be fine without me for a couple’a months.

 

 

 

 


	9. 23 February 1942

23 February 1942

 

Basic training is grueling. We go through marches, marches with full gear, forced marches, night marches, obstacle courses, fox-hole digging, bayonet fighting, gas mask drill, rifle firing range, rifle tear down and assembly, map reading, night map reading, machine gun infiltration course, more marches, and then even more marches after that. The chow line for breakfast and dinner is always long and I’ve had to make and re-make my bed over and over and over again because my blanket wasn’t stretched tight enough to make a quarter bounce off of it.

We even have to eat a certain way. At dinner one night, we were having steak and the General walked in and pulled a half-eaten steak out of the garbage. He got really angry and said, “I only want to see bone, fruit stones, and rinds! The Homefront is rationed so that the military can have what they need and I don’t want that sacrifice to be abused!” He wasn’t satisfied until we picked everything out of the garbage and finished it all off.

I’m sore and I’m tired, but at least we’re kept busy. And I’ve finally stopped flinching whenever I fire the guns. Turns out I’m a pretty good sharp shooter.  Some of the guys are still getting Maggie’s drawers, so I’ve been trying to give them pointers when I can.

We still have one more week of training and they’re starting to give us coats and boots. It’s a guessing game where we’ll go at this point.

But I’m betting it’ll be somewhere cold.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Maggie’s drawers” is 1940s soldier’s slang for when a trainee fires a whole clip and misses every target, so the spotter waves a red flag to indicate the misses. “He fired a full clip, but all he got was Maggie’s drawers”. http://www.oocities.org/faskew/WW2/Glossary/WW2-SoldierSlang.htm
> 
> Also, if anyone is curious, here are some of the exercises that soldiers went through in training during World War II http://www.artofmanliness.com/2011/09/12/are-you-as-fit-as-a-world-war-ii-gi/


	10. 5 March 1942

5 March 1942

 

Yesterday was the last day of training.

Before we leave the camp, the General wanted to inspect each and every one of us to make sure we looked perfect before we ship out. A lot of us were given new clothing because ours was either shabby or didn’t fit right because we lost weight. I was already really skinny before I started training, but I’ve actually gained a lot of muscle. My old jacket was tight, so they gave me a new one.

I gotta say, I do look pretty slick.

 

 

 

 


	11. 7 March 1942

7 March 1942

 

Whiskers, Bum, and Fly all shipped off somewhere, but I don’t know where they went.

Some of the other guys are going to Fort Meade to prepare more troops for overseas duty. Low Joe and I have been assigned to the 107th Infantry and we get to have a week off before we ship off from the Brooklyn Navy Yard to… who knows where? I wish I knew where I was going at least. But I guess I’ll learn soon enough.

It’s always a guessing game.

I can’t wait to get home and visit Rebecca and Steve. Boy, they’ll be surprised when they hear about what I’ve been through. Then again… it’s only basic training. I know the next year is going to be a lot tougher.

I think I’ll go to the Stark Expo. I’ve always wanted to see it.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a side note… the real 107th was an Engineer Regiment that was tasked with constructing roads, hospitals, and other buildings for the Allied forces. http://www.107thengineers.org/history/combatengineer/worldwarii.html Based on the movie, Bucky and his 107th didn’t seem to be an Engineering unit… so I’m going to take some liberties and say that his 107th is an Infantry unit paired with a Mechanized Cavalry reconnaissance troop—this means that they have tanks, armoured cars, and big guns.
> 
> I feel I should also mention that Bucky is not a sergeant yet. I know that when he takes Steve, Connie, and Bonnie to the Stark Expo, he is already a sergeant… but, being promoted fresh out of basic just didn’t happen. So for sake of realism, he’s not going to make rank until he’s overseas. Also, a shoutout to Bedb who helped me out and suggested the idea. Thank you so much!   
> And thank you everybody for reading. I hope you’re enjoying the diary so far!


	12. 12 March 1942

12 March 1942

 

Today was my last day of leave. I spent most of the week sleeping on trains or sleeping at Rebecca’s place. You never realize just how short the days are until you’re waiting for something to happen—especially if you’re not looking forward to it. I got my orders and I’m going to England.

I found Steve getting beat to a pulp in some back alley, and then I took him, Connie, and Bonnie to the Stark Expo. Steve wasn’t interested and wandered off to a recruitment station. I tried to get him to stop and think for a moment, but he’s just so bullheaded that there’s no talking sense into him. I can see the jealousy and anger written all over his face… but I know if I stop him, he’ll never forgive me.

I just don’t want to lose my best friend. I don’t know what to do.

He’s tried over and over and over again to enlist, but he’s always rejected. I wish I stayed with him. I hope the recruiters didn’t actually accept him. I’d never forgive myself. It’s harsh to say, but he wouldn’t last through basic.

There’s too much going through my mind right now. I can’t even sleep. Nervous doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel right now.

The floating car was pretty swell though… before it broke. What an amazing modern time we live in!

 

 

 

 


	13. 14 March 1942

14 March 1942

 

Before we boarded onto the ship, we had to get last minute supplies, medicine, and other necessities. We got a shot in each arm, the one in my left really hurt for a couple of days. It still kind of aches.

We’re on an English ship with 400 men. Some of the guys are from a different ship that was rammed by another ship while leaving the dock. I guess they were delayed by a couple of days. There are a total of 44 vessels in the convoy… 35 of them are oil tankers. I think I heard that there’s 2,000 troops in this convoy.

They told us it’ll take a few days to cross the Atlantic. I’ve been seasick ever since we left the dock. I don’t feel so bad right now though.

I’m just ready to get off of this boat, out of this Mae West life preserve, and onto dry land.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Mae West” was an inflatable life jacket worn around the neck and chest, which was named after the singer Mae West because of her large chest.


	14. 16 March 1942

16 March 1942

 

We’re just a couple days out of Great Britain. I’ve been seasick for most of the time we’ve been on these boats.

We’ve run a bunch evacuation drills and the U-boat alarms have been going almost all the time. The destroyers have dumped depth charges a couple of times. I don’t know if that was a drill or the real deal. Whatever is happening, the destroyers must be taking care of it cos our gun crews haven’t had the chance to show off their skills.

Sergeant Henderson gave us all pamphlets to read called _Instructions for American Servicemen in Britain._ It’s all about Britain and how we’re not supposed to offend anybody while we’re there. It’s got stuff like “Don’t criticize the King or Queen”, “The British don’t know how to make good coffee and we don’t know how to make good tea”, and stuff like that. The guys and I laughed over it, but there is some good advice in here.

We’re going to a British camp near Swindon, England then we’re going through some training with the , where we’ll be doing some reconnaissance missions. I’m gonna write home to Steve and Rebecca when we get to Britain.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> American troops were actually given pamphlets as they were being shipped to Great Britain. The pamphlet’s motto was “It is always impolite to criticize your hosts; it is militarily stupid to criticize your allies.” http://www.hardscrabblefarm.com/ww2/britain.htm


	15. 9 April 1942

9 April 1942

 

We’ve been in England for a few weeks now. I wrote letters to Steve and Rebecca, just to keep them updated. I hope they write letters back.

There’s fog every morning and rains start and stop randomly. We’ve been training with the M8 HMC before we ship off to France.

It’s not all training and drills though. We went to London for a day and it was really interesting to see all of the places I’ve read about in books. Westminster Abbey and Big Ben were amazing in person and I’m glad they haven’t been ruined in all of the bombings. British food is rationed. Grease and oil are used over and over again and pastries and bread are made with precious sugar, but there’s no fruit or jelly to go with it. Tongue is apparently a delicacy.

Night time in London gave me the creeps, because it was all black in London. All of the lights were completely out. Even the vehicles only had a slit in the headlights to warn other vehicles.

I told Steve all about it in the letter I sent to him.

 Our training with the tanks is coming to an end and our orders are taking us to Northern Africa. I'm not sure what we'll be doing there, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned about the army, it’s this: It’s always a guessing game.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little update... instead of going to France, Bucky and the 107th will be heading off to Northern Africa.
> 
> Also, I've been a little busy because I was promoted at work and haven't had the time or energy to write. So, unfortunately, I won't be able to update as frequently as I used to. I'll try to get the next entry up soon though!


	16. 17 April 1942

17 April 1942

 

We’re in Africa now. We’re some of the first Americans to join the fight in Africa.

We’re supposed to be on a reconnaissance mission, but we stumbled into the Germans. We didn’t know they’d be there.

The sky was clear and the weather was warm. There was shooting, explosions, and yelling. Just chaos. All of the chatter from the wise-crackers suddenly stopped. The sergeant yelled “THIS IS THE REAL STUFF MEN! TAKE COVER!” and we started digging fox holes like madmen.

I saw the Sergeant get shot straight through the head just minutes later.

Shooting from the nearby artillery from our side made the Germans back up, so now we’re just hunkered down… two guys to a hole. One to guard—you walk halfway to the next fox-hole, meet up with your fellow soldier, then go back and do the same thing on the other side. And the other guy sleeps… if you can. Low Joe and I are sharing a fox-hole. I can hear him praying. We trade every two hours.

I can’t sleep either. I keep seeing the Sergeant die every time I close my eyes.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re in the thick of things now! Also, apologies in advance… some of the descriptions of battles may be kind of gory in the future. But that’s why I tagged this story with “graphic depictions of violence”. Just as a reminder and a warning!
> 
> Thank you so so so much for reading!


	17. 21 April 1942

21 April 1942

 

I’m a Sergeant now.

I guess the Captain needed a new Sergeant after Henderson was killed. I said I was honoured, but… I really can’t think straight right now.

I didn’t even have to appear before an examining board, it just kind of happened. They said I had leadership qualities and showed initiative. I guess I don’t look like a mess.

Low Joe broke down and he never even fired a single shot.

I have to keep it together.

~~I want to go home~~

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Battlefield promotions happened quite a lot during World War II, but I unfortunately couldn’t find a credible source to say exactly how many soldiers were promoted in the field.
> 
> Any enlisted soldier the rank of Sergeant or below are eligible for a battlefield promotion based on their performance in combat. Commanders have to review the soldier’s qualities, qualifications, performance, and morals before any promotion. http://www.apd.army.mil/pdffiles/r600_8_19.pdf And although Bucky is in shock from his first battle, his commanding officers definitely saw some potential in him.


	18. 9 May 1942

9 May 1942

 

I haven’t written anything since I was made Sergeant. I guess I was pretty shaken up once the shooting started. Training is one thing… they can tell you how it’s gonna be and what you’re supposed to do, but once it actually happens, it’s a lot different. It’s death and noise and chaos and… I don’t really know how to describe it actually.

It’s… something like a tattoo I guess—it’s stamped in your mind and never seems to go away.

I still see Sergeant Henderson every time I close my eyes. His mouth is open wide and his eyes stuck open too, so I can see the white around each blue iris… and there’s a hole in the middle of his forehead with his brains all blasted out the other side.

I get why Low Joe broke down. I’m surprised he’s the only one who did.

But the war goes on and we have to as well. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay between chapters. I was traveling, but now I'm home and trying to enjoy my last week of summer break before classes start again in September.


	19. 12 May 1942

12 May 1942

 

We’re still in Africa. We’re on another reconnaissance mission that’s having us track some German troops. I just feel like we’re playing a really slow game of tag, because we keep going forward and then backtracking, looping around, and then going forward again.

I have to make sure the soldiers are doing alright. And that they keep their equipment well-maintained and keep themselves and their uniforms as tidy as possible. I’m worried about Low Joe… he’s been really on edge since our first fight with the Germans.

There’s one guy who really reminds me of Steve. His name is Eddie Ross, but we all call him “Boots” because his feet are so small that his boots don’t fit. He’s only 20, but he even looks a little like Steve… if Steve were a bit taller and not just skin and bones. He’s also a rascal… picks fights and doesn’t take any shit. It’s almost like having Steve around.

I’ve been getting letters, which has definitely helped me keep going. ‘Bec has her job with the factory making aeroplanes and she said that she had to move out of Brooklyn to follow the factory. She said she didn’t get the chance to check up on Steve before she left, but I got a letter from him. His note was really short, but he said he was doing well.

It’s good to hear from home and take my mind off of everything that’s going on here. It’s like a breath of fresh air.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This describes what a modern Sergeant’s duties are http://www.armystudyguide.com/content/army_board_study_guide_topics/nco_duties/duties-of-an-nco.shtml 
> 
> Also, I've still been very busy with work and school. I haven't had much time to write, so I'm sorry that updates are so few and far between now. Thanks for sticking with me, everyone.


	20. 31 May 1942

31 May 1942

 

We ran into the enemy troops that we were tailing a couple days ago. Guns started shooting and it was chaos all over again. I kept my team in line and the 107th dug in for the night.

It was eerie. We knew the Germans weren’t too far from us, but nothing happened. I kept thinking that the shooting would start or artillery from either side would go off, but no. Nothing.

The next morning, Boots told me Low Joe went over the hill. I don’t know where he thinks he’ll be able to go—I just hope he doesn’t get himself killed doing something stupid.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Over the hill” is slang for desertion from the army.
> 
> I'm so sorry for the lack of updates for the past couple of months. Life has been really crazy. I've had this chapter sitting in my folder since August, so I figured I'd post it. I hope I can get back to writing soon!


	21. 19 July 1942

19 July 1942

 

I lost my journal in June, but one of the guys—Laney Scott—found it and gave it back to me. Laney is a weird guy. Zany Laney. A lot of the other guys think he’s annoying, but I like him. He’s funny. He taught me and Boots how to blow smoke rings. I started smoking not too long ago. I didn’t think I would, but it passes time. You always have to pass time somehow.

On the 4th, we actually got some apple pie which was a nice change from the D Rations. Some of the guys shot off a couple or rockets, but I had to stop them for wasting ammo and potentially giving off our position.

We had a couple run-ins with the Germans and Italians. I got some little injuries… shrapnel fragments nicked my back and knee. One even went into my left hand. We put sulfa powder on the minor wounds and they seem to be healing okay. My feet also hurt all the time. My boots rub everywhere, especially when we’re marching long distances.

At least I got some good news from home. I got another letter from Steve… it was short like his last one and he didn’t say much about what he’s been up to, but apparently something’s been keeping him busy. He said that he just got a gig selling war bonds and a lot of things have changed.

I think this war has changed us both.

I miss him. I miss Rebecca, I miss my apartment, and I miss Brooklyn.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: I now realize that I accidentally gave Steve the serum a WHOLE YEAR EARLY. He didn't get the serum until June 1943. I fucked up... Welp, I guess I'm just gonna run with this because it's too late to change now. SIGH. (Sorry Steve, for putting you through Showgirl hell for much longer than the movie says.)


	22. 10 August 1942

10 August 1942

The weather has been hot and almost unbearable. We’ve had some run-ins with the Germans and Italians here and there, but it’s mostly just marching. And more marching. We’re back to the ol’ waiting game… but I feel like something big is coming soon.

Becca sent me some newspaper clipping about the war. It’s strange how little people actually hear about what’s really happening. She also sent me an article about some guy named “Captain America”. The papers say he’s gonna save the day or something.

Right. I’ll believe that when I see it. Sounds like some ninety-day wonder to me.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Ninety-day wonder” is slang for a commissioned officer who went through training in three months or less. I’ve used the term before in my story “It’s Okay, Buck”.


	23. 3 September 1942

3 September 1942

Our marches have taken us all over Africa. I’m kind of glad we haven’t seen much combat since we first came overseas, but I know that things are building up. We have orders to head 150 miles west of Cairo where we’ll be helping some British troops.

We stayed in a small village for a couple days and we found out that one of our guys was missing—Laney. I don’t know how he got separated from us, but as we were getting ready to leave the village, sure enough Laney came riding over the hill on some creaky ol’ bike. He said, “I’ve been trying to find you guys for two days!” Then he cried when I told him he couldn’t keep the bike.

I wrote about that in a letter to Steve. I think he’ll get a kick out of that.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and the 107th will be heading into the Battle of El Alamein.
> 
> Sorry for the long wait between chapters. Thanks for hanging with me everyone! I've reached the end of my buffer of chapters, but hopefully I'll be able to write again soon. Life has been busy.
> 
> I hope everyone has happy holidays and a good new year!


	24. 19 October 1942

I never guessed that most of my time spent in the army would be marches and digging trenches and in just pretty gross conditions. We’ve met some British troops and been in some skirmishes. We’re getting more and more tense because we all know that something big is gonna happen soon. The guys are quiet and I’ve seen a lot of pictures of girls and families come out of pockets.

I think the thing that keeps haunting us is the fact that very soon, we’re gonna be in a place where you can’t just run and hide. We’re gonna be in the middle of it all. You’d think that you’d get used to it after a while, all of the guns shooting and the noises and the screams around you. But you don’t. It’s still just as terrible the fiftieth time as the first.

It’s the guys who _do_ get used to it who you really have to worry about.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First new chapter of the new year! And of course it's almost March. Sorry for the long wait everyone. I'm trying to find time to research and write when I can.
> 
> Also if anyone is interested, I've been slowly constructing Bucky's diary! You can check out this project on my blog. Here's the link: http://floating-sheep.tumblr.com/tagged/the%20diary%20of%20j.%20b.%20barnes


	25. 25 October 1942

25 October 1942

The real fighting started a couple of days ago. We had a feast breakfast that morning with steak and apple pie to boost our morale.

We got a message from Monty as well. “All that is necessary is that each and every officer and men should enter this battle with the determination to see it through, to fight and kill, and finally win.” I just want to make it out alive.

I think there’s about 100,000 men from Britain, Australia, India, France, Greece, and South Africa. The 107th is the only American division.

It was a clear night and you could see well because of the light from the full moon. Artillery fired a general bombardment for a little under a half hour and then switched to more precise targets. Some of the infantry moved forward with the engineers to remove mines to let the tanks through, but from what I hear it didn’t work as well as they hoped.

We are on the left flank to the South with the Free French Brigade. None of us made much progress, even during the day. We’re all exhausted and even though it’s been a flurry of motion and confusion and so much dust, we don’t feel like we’ve done anything at all. We’re going to be moving again soon. A lot of our attacks are at midnight.

I feel like I’ve swallowed so much dust. I can’t stop coughing.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first part of the battle was called Operation Lightfoot, because infantry would walk into the minefield and deactivate the mines in a row so the tanks could go through in single file. It was a good plan, but extremely time consuming and inefficient. It was ultimately unsuccessful on the battlefield. The battle lasted 11 days (until Rommel called retreat) and was often interrupted by sandstorms.
> 
> Field Marshal Bernard Law Montgomery (also known as ‘Monty’) was well liked by the Allies and sent messages to the army before the battle.
> 
> Also sorry for the super long break between chapters! These next few entries require a lot of research (and few artistic liberties because again, the Americans were not actually part of the Battle of El Alamein). Thank you so much for putting up with my unreliable posting schedule!


	26. 27 October 1942

27 October 1942

We’ve suffered so many losses in just a few days. They called orders to stop the push in the south and are now concentrating around Tel el Aqqaqir and the Kidney to the North. We’re nursing our wounds and marching in a few minutes. I don’t have much of a chance to write.

It’s been a constant push. When we aren’t moving forward and searching for mines or shooting the Germans and Italians, the artillery is going. The continuous roar of the big guns and the whistling of the projectiles as they pass overhead makes it impossible to get any shuteye. Boots says that he isn’t afraid so long as he can hear them whistling. I guess he’s right.

In the middle of the night, a German scout fell into a foxhole. I heard someone yell “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE”. Everything broke loose. Small arms came out and then the 30 cal machine guns lit up the night. It was so bright, I can still see the flashing when I close my eyes. We heard “Ich gebe auf!” and the enemy fire stopped.

It’s hard to breathe out here. And hard to see. It’s so hot and we’re caked with sand and dirt and grime. It smells so bad and everywhere I look, there’s dead bodies and destroyed tanks. I’m still coughing from all of the dust and smoke. There are so many flies and they swarm around us like we’re corpses lying in the desert.

Sometimes I feel like just lying down with them.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story of the German scout falling into a foxhole comes directly from my Great Uncle’s retelling of his time in World War II. “Ich gebe auf” means “I give up”. My Great Uncle wrote that the German had said “Er gebt ich”, but that does not actually mean “I give up”, so I opted to use the correct translation.
> 
> The historian Lucas-Phillips wrote in his Alamein records “The desert was quivering with heat. The gun detachments and the platoons squatted in their pits and trenches, the sweat running in rivers down their dust-caked faces. There was a terrible stench. The flies swarmed in black clouds upon the dead bodies and excreta and tormented the wounded. The place was strewn with burning tanks and carriers, wrecked guns and vehicles, and over all drifted the smoke and the dust from bursting high explosives and from the blasts of guns.”


	27. 4 November 1942

4 November 1942

The Germans are retreating. We fought for ~~ten~~ no eleven days? Sometimes we advanced and sometimes we were pushed back. It’s strange to say that I don’t actually remember much of the last few days.

The Italians are still fighting even though the Germans abandoned them. We’re killing them all or taking them prisoner. There are burnt husks of Italian tanks everywhere, destroyed by the British tanks that made it through. This isn’t the first battlefield I’ve seen, but I still feel sick from seeing so many dead bodies. No matter how hard I try, I still can’t dig the dried blood out from underneath my fingernails.

I just hope… wherever Steve is… that he’s okay. I got a black eye and it made me think of him, throwing punches and getting hit in back alleys. He is a tough little shit. I remember I told him that war wasn’t a back alley fight before I left.

I didn’t get punched though. I got my black eye from tripping and falling on my gun. Boy, are my cheeks red.

 

 

 

 


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